You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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