you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
