After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
