I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
