Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
