Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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