She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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