I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
