Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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