these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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