I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
