I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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