as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
