my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
