She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
