we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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