I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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