I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
