So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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