I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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