I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize