Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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