My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
