nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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