Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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