dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
