you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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