I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
