matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
