So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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