By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
