Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
