Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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