Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
