i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
