Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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