It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
