I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
tell me about the fingering
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
