He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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