I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
