Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
