so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
