Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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