If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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