I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
