I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
