i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
