He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
