New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
