oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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