Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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