I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
