He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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