we have pet lesbian snakes
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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