My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
