I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My life is pants optional.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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