i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
