um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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