We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
They are going to name an STD after you.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
