I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
